Monday, March 19, 2012


It was time to trim the crepe Myrtles. I know exactly what you are thinking; "Neil Sperry says not to trim them but let them grow to their full genetic height"

Well Neil Sperry's Crepe Myrtles are not blocking my satellite dish.

I don't think these are his anyway. If so, I would like him to come get them out of my yard. That is pretty bold of him to go putting his trees in everyone else's yard. I hate that guy.

Where was I? Oh yes, I knew I would fall today.

"Why?" you ask

I am not thorough in what is called "The planning phase" of most all endeavors.
As soon as I selected the "ladder" I would be using, I knew with 100% certainty that this would be the day I fall off a "Ladder"

Why is ladder in Quotes?

This is the ladder I selected to cut my trees that are around 15 ft high.

Why did I know I was going to fall?

See that bar on the top that is in no way a step?

As I unfolded this thing I said to myself "That is the "step" from which I will be falling shortly"

I went and got the best tool I could think of for trimming these branches.

The black & Decker Electric Scorpion saw. Unfortunately It only had the metal hack saw blade which would not cut through the branches at all.

Back to my garage for good old fashioned handsaw. I knew this was a bad idea because of the amount of movement I would be creating while standing on the "not a step" portion of the "ladder" from which I was destined to fall.

I have created the photo realistic graphic below to illustrate the situation

So you know how you will stand on the top of a ladder sawing something high and there is that one part that is just out of reach so you strain to access it?

That is where I found myself just as the karma nudged the top of the ladder.

This is when the falling process began. I call it a process because it was slow and complex getting from where I was down to what astronomers refer to as "the ground"

My initial reaction was to grab on to a branch in hopes of not falling as much. But, the branch I grabbed was the one I had just cut and I had no way to re attach it to the tree mid fall.

My next reaction was of course "How can I make this look cool" It was midday on a Sunday and people were out and about so I thought Can I play it off some how?

Just then, it hit me.

Another branch hit me right right in the halfway mark. for a brief moment, I was actually balanced face down on a branch that was below me and that is when I sort of bent around the branch and started to roll around it.

Inevitably, I ran out of body and was back in the air face down still thinking only about who might see this. I recall explicitly looking around for spectators as I fell.

I could see the ground rushing up to me and just as I reached terminal velocity, I caught a break. Actually it was a brick. I found myself with legs bent / supported by the ladder and hands against the brick of the house.

Below is another graphic (Try not to get too caught up in the photo quality. I have a really good camera. Get over it and just focus on the facts)

right away my hands started to slide and the ladder began to fold up into its intended storage configuration. I had hoped I could stop there but when you have that much speed, there is really not a lot you can do.

I was soon swallowed by the bushes below, face down in the dirt with a metal garden rail bisecting me and a sprinkler head completely embedded in my eye.

I couldn't quit thinking about how I was going to explain this to anyone that might have seen it.

I laid there long enough to ascertain that there were no people watching or they were laughing so hard they we would be unable to walk over and help.

After a few minutes I got back up, grabbed my saw, and my ladder and began an awkward limp over to the other crepe myrtle. It was about to rain and I wanted to get this done before it started coming down and I didn't want to risk climbing a slippery wet ladder.