Thursday, August 26, 2010

Life Without Facebook

It has been 48 hours, and I am starting to feel the effects.

The first thing I notice is my perception of time is "wonky" to put it scientifically.
Today I went to a place called "outside" It must have been years since I had been there. Last time I was there it was roughly 114 degrees and now the world had cooled to a breezy 82 degrees. I guess Al Gore was way off base. At least he has his wife to support him now that the scientific community will no doubt shun him forever. He is lucky.

I could tell a lot of time had passed since I left Facebook because while outside, I counted as many as 2 newspapers on my doorstep. "How am I going to pick this all up" I thought...
It was at that moment that a cold chill ran down my spine as I begin to shift my thoughts to my mailbox and what it must be like in there. And for those of you still plugged into the Facebook community, I am not referring to my "e-mail". Used to, there was this stuff called paper and ... Never mind, you just won't understand.

As I opened my mailbox, I was relieved to find that I have been pre approved for a Visa Gold card. It is as if they knew I would be out there that day and wanted to help my transition. Also, I don't like to brag but I may or may not be the next 10 million dollar winner. Ed MacMahon is still looking out for me too. He is a great guy. I hope he lives a long time.

So there I am standing by my mailbox too tired to move because my legs had atrophied during my Facebook years ("FBYs" as we will call them when VH1's I love the teens comes out (referring to the 2010-2020 years not the Paul Ruben’s documentary (suddenly realizing I am 3 levels deep in parentheses (5 levels is impossible to return (according to Inception (Damn!))))))

I begin to wonder how to get out of this situation and I begin to look to others for inspiration I began to think of other people that overcame great odds; people like Michael J fox, Christopher Reeve, Richard Pryor... These men were all able to overcome mediocre acting ability and go on to do great things.

This was good but not quite enough to get me moving.
I needed something stronger (Mohammad Ali? (No. Not that strong))

I needed to know... I needed to know what everyone is up to. Here on the outside it is obvious. Jim is mowing, Angela looks tired from working in her garden all day, and Mike is washing his car even though it looks like it might rain. And of course to all of them: Bryan is standing by his mailbox fantasizing about his disabled super group again.

But what about the people I can't see? Suddenly flashes of imagery began to scroll through my head... I can see Bejewled Scores, mafia wars, someone wants me to have some farming equipment... I could feel my leg start to move.

I found my motivation. I continued on thinking about liking statuses about the oil spill, chiming in about miners stuck in Chile (and thinking how clever that status would be if I misspelled Chili)

Before I knew it, I had walked back inside the house. I knew what I had to do. Back in my office, with my head hung low, knowing full well I had been beaten. Knowing that attempting to live without Facebook would be like attempting to skydive without a boat. It just can't be done.

Now how was I going to get back what I had let go? All the images, posts, political views (I am sort of in the middle), wall posts, likes, groups.... How would I rebuild that all again?

I knew it would be a long road but I had to start the same way Terry Fox did by putting one foot in front of... well... and just keep going.

I started typing I hesitated a bit but then did the inevitable. I pressed the enter key.
In the next moment I realized not only had I lost this battle but Facebook knew I would lose it. I was greeted with a message stating "So you have decided to come back. Fortunately, we have kept all your information intact and have automatically reactivated your account"

What???? Facebook knew I would fail and they are rubbing it in my face? This is unacceptable. I thought I am going to leave Facebook again. Then I thought of what would happen if I fail again. What message would I see next time? What if I fail again and again? Would Facebook begin to call me names and reject me? Would it laugh in my face and tell my virtual friend community?

I can't let that happen. I can't quit because if I quit, Facebook wins (sorta like the terrorists). You can't beat me Facebook! Just try to make me quit and come back and quit and come back again! I won't do it.

Okay, now that I am back, did we get that dislike button? I swear if we don't get that button soon...

1 comment:

  1. I love it. I don't usually laugh that hard at 8am. I think the best part is when I clicked "follow" and it said "Congratulations. You are now following Bryan's Utter Nonsense." ;-)