Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Nasal Abscess

Okay, I know what you are all thinking... "Nasal Abscess, That's hot!"

Sure, there are obvious benefits and I am not going to lie, I am pimpin this thing for everything it is worth. However, in addition to the bleeding, strange odors, swelling, and facial discoloration, there are actually some drawbacks.

Don't get me wrong, I am not here to cast a shadow on an otherwise awesome experience. That is not my style I am not blind to the obvious blessing bestowed upon the center of my face.

I get it; I get all the good that is going to come with this.

I know for the first time in my life women want me and Men want to be me.

But before you go you go stabbing at the inside of your nose with a rusty nail in hopes of getting a staph infection, let me caution you that there are aspects of this condition that take away from the instant rock star lifestyle that will no doubt be thrust upon you.

Number One Drawback: Name Calling.

Sure, people are going to be jealous so they call you names that highlight your "issue"

I heard names like:

Rudolph, Pinoccio, Bozo, and Dumbass.

Random strangers would shout things like "hey light up the way w/ your nose" and "Quit texting and drive your Effing car A hole!" Are you prepared for this sort of torment?

I will wait for your answer.

Okay Fine....

So you are thinking "Sure name calling sucks but I get the cool drainage and all that bleeding; think of the bleeding!" calm down I know. Lots of perks but some of the perks are bad too.

"What do you mean?" I'm glad you asked.

The amount of attention that comes with this is paradoxically complicated. You get the attention of so many ladies that you have to fight them off with a stick.

But unfortunately you'll realize there are more women than you can shake a stick at.

I guess what I am saying is you are going to need to get yourself at least 2 sticks.

Then there is the whole W.C Fields conundrum. Sure, he was funny, and people liked him but he’s dead (yes, still)

People don't like dead people. Guess what now you look like a funny dead guy. Suddenly it's weekend at Bernie’s, and you don't even have a cool mustache.

Well, I 'm rockin a goatee but that's me. You are not me.

I'm sorry. That was out of line. I shouldn't have made fun of your mustache. I didn't know about the cleft lip thing. I understand surgery, scarring, etc. I really didn't mean to mock you. It’s a great mustache. You can barely see the gap. Well, I can see it but that's only because you brought it up. It’s really not that bad. Most people will think you don't know how to shave right.

So let’s move on to the drainage because let's be honest, that is the best part of this whole deal. Well, that and the excruciating pain.

So the drainage thing is not as cool as you would expect. Sounds cool on paper but here's what they don't tell you at the culinary academy. You don't decide when it drains. No, it has its own schedule that doesn't involve you. It is not like you can call all your friends over and put on some sort of cool show. Maybe you will be lucky and be at a dinner party when it happens but most likely your abscess will be having its parties at night while you are asleep.

Sure, you can have a Doctor manually drain it for you but are all your friends really going to sit in that waiting room with you at care now for 2 hours. A dedicated few might but most Probably won't. And once the doc does drain it, it's all over. Back to your boring old face and unexciting life. I almost took the Doctor route but I decided against it. Even though she had compelling arguments for it like:

"Well we would split it w/ a scalpel"

"There will be a scar"

And "We won't be able to numb it before cutting"

These were all Very tempting but I fought the urge to go that route and am happy with my choice.

It was a good decision because I was gradually eased out of my lifestyle.

Slowly the flock of ladies turned into just a few, the fancy houses and cars slowly faded away. The paparazzi have started to dwindle and I don't feel like the fame, and fortune that came with this "condition" was ripped away from me all at once.

I hope when you are faced with this decision, you will do the same thing. Sure I miss the lime light, I kind of enjoyed the stalkers but I am glad to be back to my normal life and be just like you except with more symmetrical facial hair.


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