Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I want to be more political.

I was watching Political debates this evening and decided as our society is growing more and more PC, I want to live and work more like the politicians I see on TV.

My Day at work:

Next time I am at work and my boss asks: "Bryan is the project complete?"

I can say: "I think the focus should be on the business as a whole. Look there are lots of projects and historically many of them have been completed. I think we can both agree there will be more projects in the future as well. We really need to focus on the big picture."

To which he will respond: "Yes, but this project.. What is the status? Is it done?"

My response will be a very political: "I think what you are overlooking is the status of our customers and the service we are providing to them. I don't think spending all of our time looking at individual projects is the best use of the customer's time that is why I propose we do what is in their best interest and focus outside the box. You know, the box? hmm?"

This will naturally progress to him tactfully asking "IS THE DAMN PROJECT COMPLETE???"

I will of course explain that: "Complete is a subjective term."

Then I will continue: "Just yesterday, I was talking to Deborah Williams in the Dallas office and she was telling me that she has been having trouble getting one of her billing projects started. The project I am on is a great example of how to get a project started and we need to use this as an example so all of the Deborah's out there will have a model for getting their projects started more quickly and efficiently."

He will be so impressed with my PC answer that he will naturally want to know: "LOOK! You said it would be done yesterday, the customers are asking if it is ready. What is going on? Is it done? Yes or No?"

Then naturally we will have this exchange:
Me: "Hey are we getting bonuses this quarter?"
Him: "Yes. We are not making money but we are losing less this year."

Me: "Great hopefully they will be bigger than last quarter."
Him: "Oh yes they are supposed to be substantial. We really are losing a lot less than last year."

Me: "Cool."
Him: "I know. Right?"

Me: "So what were we discussing? You were going to take the family on a trip this fall or something?"
Him: "Oh yes, it is going to be great we are going to go to ft. Meyers, and then out to a couple more beaches and do some deep sea fishing...

Driving Home:

On my way home from work I will get pulled over for speeding.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over"
Me: "Oh did you pull me over? I was actually just stopping here to take a quick break from all the stress of driving. Oh look, you are behind me and your lights are on. "

Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Me: "When specifically?"

Officer: "Just a few moments ago!"
Me: "As I stated, I was slowing down to take a rest. I am sure I can't do the math and calculate rate of deceleration at given points in time, but I was going an infinite number of speeds as time can be divided infinitely until the point that I stopped here. Honestly I am trying to work with you but without specifics, I cannot give you all of the information you have requested. It would literally take forever"

Officer: "I clocked you doing 118"
Me: "Clocked? I don't understand."

Officer: "My Radar, My radar shows you were driving 118 miles per hour. Why were you going 118 miles per hour?"
Me: "Can I be completely honest here? Look I will be the first to admit, I don't know how radar really works or what that radar gun you have there really even does. Did you know bats use radar to navigate?"
Officer: "Yes, I think I read that somewhere before."

Me: "Whoa, is that a stun gun? Have you ever tased anyone"
Officer: "Well, there was this one guy that I pulled over and he got real cocky on me and refused to step out of his car and then...."

Arriving home:

Wife: "How was your day?"
Me: "Depends on what you mean by 'day'"

Wife: "Did you have a good day?"
Me: "I had a lot of experiences today some were..."
Interrupting Wife (she is totally rude): "Nevermind! Did you take the trash out?"

Me: "When?"

Me: "Look trash is subjective. Everything starts out as not trash and then eventually becomes trash over time. Who am I to try and determine what phase of the 'becoming trash process' everything in this house is currently in? Also and let me be very clear here. there are a lot of things in this house that would make me very upset if they were in the trash can. I can 't emphasize this enough. It is in everyone's best interest to ensure that the trash is only being used for items that are due to be discarded. Just last week I was talking to Bill Patterson. He lives out in Denton. Well his wife thought she lost a pair of earrings but she had actually vacuumed them up. Bill dug through the trash and found them. When she emptied the vacuum bag she accidentally tossed them in the garbage. We need to take a moment and think of all of the Bill Patterson's out there that put their own interests aside and sacrifice so much to ensure earrings are... Hey, are those new earrings?"

Her: "No, these are the ones you got me last year. Remember we had gone to the store and you were looking at snow shoes and we stopped at the jewelry stand..."

Later that night:

Her: "I am making myself a snack. Can I get you a beer?"
Me: "Yes!"

Her: "What kind?"
Me: "Seriously, whats with all the questions? this is ridiculous. Look just grab one, any one, I don't care which. It doesn't matter. you don't have to quiz me every time we have a conversation."

Watching TV that night:

Me: "Yeah um so the trash man came before I could get to it."
Her: "You're an idiot."

Me: "okay."
her: "I am going to bed."

Me: "OK. Hey, craziest thing happened today. I met this police officer. you are so going to laugh when you hear this. so I was driving..."

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