Wednesday, September 17, 2014

No Boots on The Ground

In light of recent events, I've been playing this fake speech in my best Obama voice in my head all morning.

"Good Morning ladies and gentleman.

Let's not beat around the bush. Let's get right to the matter at hand. Iraq is facing serious political turmoil and the citizens are being murdered daily and it needs to stop.

Now, I said No boots on the ground and I stand by that statement.

So here's what we are gonna do...

What we have done... is designed....

...A special shoe.

Now I have met with my cabinet and we have all discussed this.

None of us believe this is qualifies as a boot.

It may look like a boot and have a lot of the same characteristics but you can see the heal is... slightly

elongated giving it more of a high heel feel.


It's an open toe which means it cannot possibly be a boot.
This... is what troops will be wearing on the ground

Now, In the planes, ships, helicopters, they will definitely be wearing ah..
more traditional. um... boots.

But not on the ground.

Now I know what you're thinking

This is just some kind of political word play.
Let me be clear. That is not what this is.

This was the plan back when I said "no boots on the ground".
I meant it then just as much as I meant it now.

I have been working closely with shoe manufacturers for months.
Notice I said shoe manufacturers. We're not talkin about boots here people.

The way I see it...

The only way there will be boots on the ground is if one of our guys wearing boots in a helicopter falls out of that helicopter.

But we have been working on that as well.

Now stay with me folks.

Just this morning I reached across party lines and made a call to W for advice on keeping all AND I MEAN all boots off the ground.

I explained the issue with the boots to him and he rode his bike over and we discussed it.

I explained the shoe problem and he came up with a solution almost immediately.

Moving forward, all actual boots will be tethered to the vehicles.
Not only will it reconfirm my commitment to having no boots on the ground but also it does 2 other things.

First... It provides an added layer of safety for that young man perched on the edge of a helicopter facing combat.

Let's say he falls out.

Now there is a good chance he will remain tethered to the helicopter.
That meant better chance of survival for him...

More importantly it means less fuel burned trying to go back and pick him up which saves the American taxpayer money.

Now... let's say he falls out and dies.

One word people... "Free Boots"

Normally when a soldier dies in battle we have to replace him with another soldier. Guess what we have to provide that new soldier.

That's right... boots.

Boots cost money. Well... Not any more.

Now we will be able to save the taxpayers even more money by letting the new soldiers fill the shoes of soldiers that have gone before them.

Now I know what you are thinking. But that is not a metaphor. I am talking about giving real soldiers. Real boots and saving the American people real dollars.

Oh and also we will be going in and taking out the new Iraqi government because they didn't put a good one in place when we took out the last one.

Now Thank you and God Bless."

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